Opening Up

I was lying in the tub meditating yesterday and I realized that I have a tendency to write from a theoretical viewpoint, rarely getting very personal.  Self-doubt has often plagued me being and anxiety too, leaving me afraid of making deep, loving connections with others.  During my years of youth, I was often told that my feelings and emotions were wrong, that I needed to get my head out of the clouds, and to not question what I was told.  My Soul could not accept many of the indoctrinated, judgmental, narrow, and rigid belief systems that were often imposed.  I moved out of my parents’ house during the beginning of my senior year of high school.  Luckily, I had already acquired most of my required credits to graduate and only went to school for half of the day.  This allowed me to work enough to pay for my own apartment and to keep a quarter tank of gas in my 89’ Camaro, some of the time.  There were times I lived out of this car and also put myself in some not-so-good situations.  As a small child, I often spoke of moving and traveling, I wanted to move to California.  I grew up in Indiana; one of the best things about my childhood was that my grandparents lived across the street.  This allowed me to enjoy them (grandparents), horses, swimming, and running barefoot on soft, green grass with my little sister.  Once I was out on my own I knew I had to get out of Indiana, I wanted to run, to run from the pain, to run from me.  The inner craving to travel only grew stronger.

Arrangements to go to Montana fell into place, the running began.  I spent the next five summers working for high-end “dude” ranches and in the winter I would often give a different state a try, only to feel Montana pull at my heart.  I didn’t know how to be honest with myself during this time, I wanted to pretend, to pretend that all was great.  I ignored the fact of how uncomfortable I was with myself, and my past, by drowning it all in alcohol.  I drank so I could feel comfortable being around others, I drank to even be able to date.  I just wanted to love and be loved and to feel close to others, but often believed I lacked this ability on my own.

My paternal Grandpa moved on from this life in 2010.  I tried to make arrangements to go home for his funeral, however I did not have enough money and thankfully my parents decided not to loan me the money for a one-way ticket; I would have ended up needing to stay in IN for a while, at least long enough to earn enough cash to go somewhere else.  Fortunately, I was “stuck” in Montana……and because of this I met my husband shortly after.  It has been a long process of learning to surrender to life, to trust the natural plan that unfolds ever so perfectly.  Crossing paths with the man who is now my husband has been one of the biggest blessings of this life.  I also realized yesterday that the healing process really began for me once we started spending time together.  He is a fire symbol, and I water, we balance things in such a way that I am often still surprised by it.  Upon our meeting, we immediately surrounded ourselves with all of the elements.  You would often find us camping in the woods, next to a lake, with a big fire blazing, hound dogs running around and a bottle of whiskey too.  We bought a little travel trailer and camped in many places often waking up to a million dollar view for free.

Eventually, we settled down on a little horse farm in Georgia.  Pondering the meaning of life really set in while riding on the backs of my four-legged friends through jungle-like trails in the Deep South.  I began taking breaks from drinking.  I started reading more along with examining just what it was that I was searching for.  My partner in this life asked me to marry him on the night of my 26th birthday; 5 months later we were expecting our first.  I knew I would not want to work full-time after giving birth and that my job on the farm was no longer going to work for me, or the owners.  We struggled with what to do and ended up buying a 5th wheel!  We were able to spend time with both families, who live in different states, travel, and have a consistent home to bring our baby home to.  There were definitely some concerns when it came to living in a camper with a newborn, especially when traveling at night on the interstate and almost running out of fuel from lack of planning!  Boy, did we become more structured!  We ended up spending our first winter with our five- month- old son in Topock, AZ.  It was wonderful; we hiked, visited a town with wild donkeys running around, spent time at beautiful national parks, and enjoyed the view and closeness of the Needles mountain range.  I will never forget the day I sat on the back of our truck’s tailgate reading Revelations while looking at the jagged, rough range of the Needles Mountains.  I knew that I was not going to find all of the answers I was searching for in the Bible.  I couldn’t accept it as the whole truth.  This started gnawing at me.  I found myself standing in front of the Eastern Religion section at Hastings one day, the book Autobiography of a Yogi was staring at me.  I bought it and had no clue why.  I can remember going home and reading through it randomly, I felt an excitement I had never felt before.  I thought, “This is something I can believe in.”  But, I had no idea how to practice any of it in reality at that place in time.  It seemed impossible, too good to be true.  That is until our daughter was born.

Our children woke me up, they helped to ignite something within.  One day when I was 7 or 8 months pregnant with our daughter, I was dancing with our son, he was basically sitting on top of my huge belly while we swayed to Van Morrison.  I knew, I knew deep within that there is so much more than what we are often led to believe.  I felt the Love of God, the eternity that we all experience, I knew there was too much love present to ever be separated.  Separation started to become an illusion.  After our daughter was born, I felt so much pain, pain that hurt in a way I couldn’t understand.  Anxiety started to take over.  I withdrew from friends, became a hermit, devoted myself to our kids, to my husband, meditation, and reading.  I read every book of Yogananda’s that I could get my hands on.  I started studying the Bhagavad Gita. Meditation hooked me quickly; I couldn’t believe that I could see purple Light swirling in my mind almost like clouds (reason for the name of this blog).  And all of this honestly left me feeling more confused.  There were relationships in my life that I could no longer participate in, they were based on somebody else’s truths.  I had to honor the wounded child within.  I had to accept all of these rejected parts of self that I had thrown to the side (something I am still working on).  I had no idea where to turn, or who to ask for help.  I hoped God would send me a Guru, I trusted that if it was meant to be it would happen.  I was guided to a beautiful woman who has put her life’s work into Neurofeedback.  Upon the very first session, my whole life was rocked, rocked in a way I was not ready for, or not ready to believe yet.  I felt so light leaving her office, I could not stop smiling or believe I felt such peace inside of myself.  When I meditated that night I immediately saw a blue Light.  A Light that has continued to grow at a steady pace.  If it wasn’t for the consistency of the changes experienced over the last couple of years I would have continued to think I was crazy.  I can remember laying on our bed, looking at my husband while holding my hand over my heart and asking him what on earth was wrong with me.  My heart felt ripped open, so amazingly delightful but intense.  I had no idea what to do with myself, I paced the floor, drank ridiculous amounts of calming tea, and immersed myself in my studies and meditation whenever my little ones were resting.  Thank goodness my partner believes in me, protects me, and loves me for me.  I am amazed by how much children can teach us, and in awe of the endless capabilities that blossom when we are open to Unconditional Love.  I share this because I want others to know how truly incredible Neurofeedback is.  I am currently working on my B.A. in Psychology and it will be an honor to help others in facilitating their spiritual growth.  I don’t know where my path will take me, but as of right now, I can’t think of using a better tool than Neurofeedback when it comes to offering therapeutic services that train the brain or assist us in finding our own Divine Spark.  Well, until next time………

Love and Light to All!  Embrace and enjoy your Journey and trust yourself!

So much Love to All.

campfire-and-lake

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Written words by Victoria H.

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